* Disclaimer: this is NOT a review for some amazing new bed which sings your kids to sleep (but if anyone out there has such a lifesaving product I’d love to hear from you). This is just me checking the lay of the land with other parents (a normality check of my family, if you will). 

Does your family play ‘Musical Beds’?

OK, let me answer the first question you probably have first, what is ‘Musical Beds’?

Musical Beds is a nocturnal version of the popular children’s party game ‘musical chairs’. Essentially how it works is that everyone goes to bed, like normal*

*another disclaimer: Daddy Poppins use of the word ‘normal’ does not indicate any sense of ‘normality of bedtime’ in his household. It’s used in looser sense of the term, meaning: that the selected person starts the night in the selected bed (even if sometimes the ‘selected bed’ is not their ‘originally appointed’ bed, such as when; his little man selects Daddy’s half (not that he actually gets half) of him and his wifes bed or when he’s ‘selected’ by his wife to sleep in the ‘dog house/spare room’ or last but not least when he’s been up till 3 am playing the PlayStation and ‘selects’ the bed in the spare room so he can pretend he was in bed at a reasonable hour)

Anyway, I digress, so beds have been selected and everyone is finally asleep.

As a parent, you’ve probably played ‘musical beds‘ without even realising. It’s essentially when you all sleep in at least one other bed during the course of the night. Some nights it’s a pretty simple affair, with only one or two moves, other nights it has more moves than a grandmasters chess match.

The first move is usually something quite simple, a list of which can be found below:

  • The ‘I’m sleeping in the spare room and you’re minding the kids because I have an important meeting in the morning and need my sleep tonight’ manoeuvre.
  • The ‘I did last f**king night it’s your turn’ spare room manoeuvre.
  • The ‘I’m going to get out of my comfy bed and sleep on daddy/mammy’s face’ move.
  • The ‘I’m sick of waking up with a kid on my face’ move
  • The ‘if you don’t stop snoring or sleep elsewhere I’ll cut your balls off’ move (/ultimatum)
  • The ‘stop elbowing me in the ribs for snoring every time I actually get to sleep’ move.
  • The ‘I’m lonely in my bed, can I get in with you’ move.
  • The ‘forget which bed you started in after a trip to the toilet’ move.
  • The ‘I’ve had a bad dream/I’m sick’ move (a classic)
  • The ‘sleepwalking into your mother in laws room after a few too many drinks’ move (side note: this one doesn’t end well)

Please note: this is just a selection of available moves and other variations may be used depending on the household

Also note: like a Game of football there are both home and away games. Away games are much more difficult (see: sleepwalking into your mother in laws room)

The results of last nights game:

I could explain all the ‘ins and outs’ (pun very much intended) to you in great detail but we’d be here all day (🤔 Maybe ‘night’ is a more appropriate word here).

Let me just give you a brief synopsis:

There are 4 viable beds in our house, 3 people slept in 2 beds each, one bed went completely unused, one person slept in 3 beds (and is now asleep face down on the couch), there was a 4 am bath and laundry run (due to a wee incident), Daddy Poppins played the ‘stay up playing FIFA’ card, oh and the dog slept soundly all night, right in the centre of Daddy Poppins bed.

Wait a second, you said it was a game. Who wins?

Nobody, Nobody wins.

Have you only just realised that you too play ‘Musical beds’?

 Hit me with your funny night time ‘moves’ in the comments