4 months after I became Daddy Poppins I wrote a blog about the things I’d learned so far. So with just over a year gone what else have I learned…
- Just before you leave the house is still the best time to poo.
- Bathwater hasn’t lost its delicacy status.
- The joy of hearing Dada for the first time subsides substantially on the 45,671 time.
- Hanging your 7 year old’s pictures on the wall can make your 2 year old jealous.
see ‘Exhibit A’
- “No thanks” is cute and polite the first time but extremely annoying when said straight after preparing the snack they specifically asked for.
- If a toy is fucking annoying it’s their favourite.
- IPads only operate at full volume (or so I’m led to believe)
- Following through on a threat is more bloody painful for you than the kids involved.
- ‘Me time’ is still available (but only between 02:00 to 04:00)
- Baby Shark do do de do do is the theme tune to your life now.
- The term “I’ve seen it all” doesn’t apply to nappies.
- There are 2 ‘birthday party seasons’ in the year.
- Strangely these seasons are 9 months after Valentine’s Day and Christmas 🤔😱
- Soft Play complex coffee tastes like rat piss
- No matter what you suggest doing nothing is more important than watching someone on YouTube open one kinder egg after another.
- The TV should always be showing cartoons, even if no one is watching. Don’t believe me? Try change the channel.
- Toys only become interesting again once you try tidy them away. (See: hundreds of pieces of Lego, untouched for hours)
- Routine is your ‘frenemy’
- When there’s shit up the wall thinking of it as ‘blog content’ rather than ‘nappy contents’ will get you through
- The world will spin off its access if ‘Boppy and Bunny’ aren’t available at the correct times.
- The correct times change daily.
- 20 minutes homework takes about 2 hours.
- Theres nothing faster in the world than the cleaning style of a man who’s wife has just text to say they’ll be home soon.
- Playdoh is still evil.
- Children will be ‘hungry’ and ‘starving’ until a healthy meal is produced.
- Hell hath no fury like a 7 year old with no battery life on his tablet.
- No matter what clothes you choose, they’re wrong.
- Men are colourblind (see previous point)
- Kids can ‘dirty’ faster than you can clean.
- The term “Don’t do that” will be followed immediately by a child ‘doing that’.
- Coffee is a now a food group.
- Car journeys now consist of singing ‘head shoulders knees and toes’ and pointing out cows.
- You will find yourself pointing out cows when alone in the car.
- You’ll discuss a child’s bowel movements more frequently than you ever thought possible.
- Sleep is now an abstract concept.
- Doing the weekly shop without your kids in toe is akin to a day in a health spa.
And finally an unintiated hug or kiss from your child makes all the above bearable
Have I missed anything? Let me know in the comments.