At this time of year, you’ll hear all about people’s family traditions and see lists upon lists of people’s ‘favourite Christmas this’ and ‘favourite Christmas that’ but what about the things that aren’t traditional or typically anyone’s favourite? You know what I’m talking about… the stuff that happens nearly every year but doesn’t get it’s place of prominence in the build-up to the big day (and probably for good reason).

So with that in mind, Daddy Poppins brings you the (previously) unwritten rules of Christmas:

  • Your ‘family holiday’ will be ruined, ….by your family.
  • Empty sweet wrappers will, but should not, go back in the tin.
  • You shouldn’t go to the second layer of biscuits before the first one is finished.
  • If you do go to the second layer then you’ll have to lie about it.
  • Your kids will grass on you for ‘second layering*’ (it’s a term now, deal with it).
  • Your kids will change their Santa lists once the presents have been bought.
  • You will get socks and jocks.
  • You will also get a shower kit (probably lynx).
  • You will hear blatant racism from a relative.
  • You’ll either get a mood fish or a set of tiny screwdrivers in your Christmas cracker (Don’t get upset with me I don’t make the rules).
  • You’ll buy enough alcohol to do you for about 6 months
  • You’ll need more alcohol by the 27th.
  • The person cooking Christmas dinner will refuse any help.
  • The person cooking Christmas dinner will complain about ‘getting no help’
  • Someone will have to say “No talking Politics or Religion at the dinner table” (or something to that effect).
  • You have to eat at least one Brussel sprout. It’s the law.
  • You can get around the ‘sprout law’ by letting them be placed on your plate and just moving them around a bit.
  • If you don’t accept sprouts on your plate they’ll arrive there anyway (it’s the magic of Christmas)
  • Your partner will suggest ‘not giving each other presents this year’.
  • You will buy each other presents regardless (she probably had yours bought when she suggested not getting them)
  • ‘Love Actually’ guarantees some bedtime action (or ‘Love’, actually). #DaddyPoppinsTopTip
  • Someone will say “It’s a pity they couldn’t make it” but mean “Thank F**k they didn’t come”
  • Late in the day on your last trip to town you’ll buy a present thinking ‘That’ll do’, knowing right well that come ‘handover time’ you’ll have sweat on your brow.
  • The room will be cleared by a turkey fart (or two)
  • Men will be proud of their turkey farts.
  • Women will try blame men on theirs. (Theoretically, of course, as we all know women don’t fart)
  • Children who’ve received everything they wanted will say “I’m bored” (and wonder while you’re literally growling at them)
  • An older relative will say “It wasn’t like this in my day” and generally give out about you trying to make them feel welcome (but it’ll be a step up from their earlier racism).
  • Your wife’s expected Christmas spending and your expected Christmas spending will differ by about 1/2 the 3rd world debt.
  • Your actual Christmas spending will exceed this.
  • You’ll start the festivities thinking, ‘aren’t credit cards so handy’ and finish it thinking, ‘credit cards are evil!!’
  • Once the board games come out you should have a family counselling service on speed dial.
  • You’ll be left with tubs of sweets with just the shitty ones in them till somewhere between Christmas and New Years
  • You will gorge on the shitty sweets in the end.
  • You’ll use the phrase “Oh! That’s lovely!!” but your facial expression will give you away.
  • It’s never too early for turkey and stuffing sandwiches. (Unless you’re still eating the Christmas dinner, of course).
  • You’ll discuss undercooked turkey and food poisoning at least twice.
  • The turkey will be too dry (to counteract potential poisoning).
  • An unwanted visitor will arrive (and think you like them).
  • You’ll tolerate them (just this once) because it’s Christmas.
  • They’ll be offered the shity sweets.
  • One of the desserts will be 90% proof (Racist granny/grandad will fill up on this one)
  • You’ll use the phrase “Oh! You shouldn’t have!!” While opening the most horrible gift in the world.
  • Everyone (possibly bar the ‘gifter’) will know what you mean but no one will mention the elephant in the room.
  • You will say ‘Santa could be watching’ more than 10 times.
  • You will regret starting that elf on the shelf shit.
  • People who don’t like ‘fairytale of New York’ will still sing the crap out of it at their work do at 2am.
  • The ‘Die Hard is a Christmas film’ debate will go on and on.
  • One family member will be ‘ticking timebomb’ pissed by the Queens speech.
  • You’ll need to replace at least one set of Christmas lights.
  • The likelihood of having antlers and a red nose on your car will rise with every kid you have.
  • Your kids will have more fun with the boxes the expensive toys came in.
  • Your kids will ask for completely unattainable toys.
  • You will buy random crap because you are stuck in a queue in a shop.
  • No matter how many lists you make, you will forget someone’s present.
  • There will be Christmas pyjamas
  • There will be an argument over what to watch (if you are male you will lose. It’s Science)
  • You will eat your own body weight in chocolate. (That’s pre-Christmas body weight not post Christmas, that’d be ridiculous)
  • Baubles will be broken.
  • January will be harsh.

Are there any other rules I’ve forgotten?