Does your partner watch TV Singing contests?
Ever notice that some contestants make up for their comparative lack of talent with a recently deceased relative story? Or the ‘Ex Factor’ (as I’ve recently decided it’s called).
Below is an example of a typical Saturday night in the Poppins household….
Contestant: “I lost my Mum/Husband/Dad/Child/Grandad/Dog recently and since then I thought I’d also lost ‘the music inside’.”
Show Producer: “Slowly fade in the emotional ‘empathy-inducing’ music”.
Random judge: “Oh Sweetie, I too lost a Mum/Husband/Dad/Child/Grandad/Dog. Come here and give me a hug.”
Daddy Poppins: “Just get fucking on with it, you could at least pretend it’s a singing contest”.
Contestant: “It’s just a bit, bit, bit em, em, emotional”
Daddy Poppins: “Oh! This one knows ‘the score’!! Extra points for the emotional stutter”
Show Producer: “Queue VT of their backstory”
Daddy Poppins: “Ah! FFS!!”
Contestant: “My Grandad was the one who got me into music. He used to sing ‘Incy Wincy’ spider and ‘The wheels on the bus’ to me when I was little”
Daddy Poppins: “He’s a Granddad, that’s his bloody job”
Show Producer: “Zoom in on her face” *Hopes for tears
Contestant: “He used to come to all my gigs. He was such a support. He’s actually the one who told me to enter. He passed away two weeks ago. We only buried him yesterday, I almost didn’t come.” *wipes away tear
Show Producer: “Cha-Ching!! Money Shot”
Daddy Poppins: “Yeah, ‘almost didn’t come’, ’till you got this solid gold sob story, Jesus that one will be hard to beat!”
The Bear: “I missed that bit can you rewind it”
Daddy Poppins: “What bit? The fucking sob story?”
The Bear: “Yeah”
Daddy Poppins: “Are you serious? Her granddad died, he was old, she’s hamming it up to get through. Considering the timeline she may have even been involved in the death to help her chances, that’s the synopsis”
The Bear: “Will you rewind it back, please?”
Daddy Poppins: “You’re actually serious, aren’t you?”
The Bear: “Deadly serious, you have to know where they’re coming from. That’s the best part?”
Daddy Poppins: “What? The best part is obviously the nut jobs in the queues that can’t sing a note that are exploited into thinking they can and get embarrassed on national television.” (Jesus, it sounds extra harsh when you write it down, doesn’t it).
What, don’t look at me like that, I’m not the one. doing it. I’m just pointing it out ….
TV TALENT SHOW IN EXPLOITATION SHOCKER!!
Daddy Poppins: “Actually, scratch that, the best bit is when it’s over and I never have to hear from them again. (Well until they wheel out the next batch of ‘talent’ the year after)”.
"This isn't the last you've heard from me"
– never again heard from Xfactor contestant
— DaddyPoppins (@DaddyPoppinsBlg) November 26, 2017
So it’s rewound. We sit through the sob story one more time. The joys of technology (and your wife wearing the pants in the relatiinship).
Sky plus: never miss a sob story
*contestant sings ‘Tears in Heaven’ (or something her Granddad loved) like an average karaoke singer, at best.
Daddy Poppins: “Thank god for the sob story, eh?”
First Judge: “He was definitely looking down on you today, it’s a big YES from me”
Daddy Poppins: “Is he serious?”
The Bear: “I thought she was great”
Daddy Poppins: “You were sucked in by the ‘dead grandad routine’ though”
The Bear: “You need some empathy in your life”
Daddy Poppins: “You need a better bullshit detector”
Second Judge: “Grandad would be so proud”
Daddy Poppins: “Unless you were involved in his death, then he’d be raging”
The Bear: *death stare (I’m getting a lot of those recently, amn’t I? 🤔😱 ).
Head Judge: “It’s a Yes from me. You got 3 big Yeses”
*Next contestant is shown waiting to audition.
Daddy Poppins: “Uh Oh I don’t think she has anyone dead to fall back on”
Show Narrator: “You might remember this next constant from 2 series’ ago, they got all the way to boot camp before being sent home. They’re back to give it ‘one last chance’.”
Daddy Poppins: “Back in the game!!”
Show Producer: “Roll the VT of them looking ‘decidely rounder and less marketable’ from 2 years ago”
Daddy Poppins: “Boom!! The ‘underdog technique’ in full affect”
Contestant: “I understand why I didn’t get through. I was too young. I needed experience. I’ve been working on myself and now feel ready”
Show Producer: “Now show the ‘rejected cry face’ from boot camp and turn up the ’emotional but inspirational’ soundtrack up to 11″
Daddy Poppins: “Seriously? When is thing over”
The Bear: “12 weeks”
*Disclaimer: secretly Daddy Poppins (and lots of other husbands) quite enjoy these shows; It gives them an hour or two of ‘entertainment’, not on the actual show, but in their sitting rooms as they wind up their partners.
Tell anyone I said that and I’ll deny it, right?