Choose your attributes wisely.

You’ve just become a parent and ‘leveled up’ in the ultimate RPG (that’s Role Playing Game for the uninitiated) that we call ‘life’.

What does this mean?

Well, to those versed in the ‘ins and outs’ of role playing games it means it’s a chance to develop your character. The choices you make now will affect your ability to handle situations in the future.

So, what attribute should you choose to upgrade?

Depends on the choices you’re probably thinking, so let’s see what there is to choose from:

Trust no one but Daddy Poppins

Strength:

A great thing to develop if fighting orcs or delving deep into previously unexplored caves but it won’t do much for you if your trying to talk a 2 year old down off a top bunk or persuade a teething baby to go to sleep.

Constitution:

Excellent against poisoned arrows or spells that affect the nervous system. Although in the ‘Life mode’ of the game it will probably be better employed in dealing with feaces, vomit and disgusting slop that your partner will describe as ‘baby food’.

Dexterity:

This will improve your ability to fight 2 handed (or fit a nappy on a struggling baby, if that’s your wish).

Intelligence:

Being smart could stop you from arriving in all kinds of tricky situations, a good choice for the adventure your about to embark upon.

Wisdom:

Or would you prefer the ‘street smarts’ to get out of these pretty inevitable situations once they arrive, usually in rash or projectile form (no amount of intelligence can side step that).

Charisma:

Ah, the gift of the gab, great for bartering with merchants. (See also: talking your new kin into eating vegetables, convincing your partner it’s their turn to do the night shift, getting out of nappy duty and safely sidestepping the inevitable ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ teaser of an emotional post pregnancy partner).

So what would you choose?

Oh, you went for that one?

Your choice, I suppose.

So what else do you get?

Well, you’re afforded a new vocabulary to use on your adventure. This new vocabulary although fun and exciting to use comes at a cost. What? I hear you say. Yes, for every new power word or phrase you attain another word is stricken from your life. So what are these new words and how do I use them? I hear you ask….

Behold, Daddy Poppins guide to ‘Words and phrases you can use now your a parent’

Traipse:

A classic at this level of the game! This is the ultimate ‘have to be a parent’ word. (I mean, have you ever heard anyone else use it?)
How to use it: “What do you call this? Traipsing in here at this hour!!”
When to use it: late at night with an unruly teen.
(Magnificent, isn’t it. A real ‘Tour de force’)

Codology:

A beauty, spectacular in its form.
How to use it: “Cut out that Codology”
When to use it: A real versatile word, this can be uttered practically anywhere but I find it works best when driving a car or shouted up a stairs to random banging noises.

Cods Wallop:

Parent word gold!
How to use it: “That’s a load of Cods Wallop!!”
When to use it: When you’re being told an obvious lie or tall tale.

Claptrap:

Another classic.
How to use it: “That’s a load of Claptrap!”
When to use it: As an alternative to ‘Cods Wallop’, you don’t want to overuse your A material do you now!

Cats malarkey:

Very similar to ‘Codology’ but warrants its inclusion due to its sheer versatility.
How to use it: “Cut out that Cats Malarkey at once”
When to use it: It can be easily interchanged with Codology but I find it works best upon entering a room to find kids doing something unbelievably dangerous or sordid.
This single word has the power to completely rectify the situation. Once used, just turn on you heels and stride confidently  away safe in the knowledge that the situation and it will just sort itself out. Magic isn’t it.

Once you’ve mastered the basics above we can move onto the secondary level of parental phrases, are you ready? I’ll wait if you need to grab a paper and pen or bookmark this page.

Guff:

Be warned, you don’t want to use this one but it should be in your arsenal.
How to use it: “Don’t you be giving me that Guff!”
When to use it: Unfortunately this phrase only comes into play when your young have also ‘leveled up’, usually by strengthening their ‘Attitude’ and ‘Back Chat’ characteristics. When they’ve gotten to this point words like ‘Cats Malarkey’ and even the powerful ‘Codology’ will fall on deaf ears.

Right, it’s time for the big one..

The SECRET of the PARENTAL POWER PHRASE

Did you know that as a parent you can take any word (or phrase) used by your offspring, change the tone and flip it till it’s a verb!! Not only that but this newly formed word (or phrase) will directly translate as ‘I will in my F**K!!’, without you ever needing to use an expleative.

Still confused? Then here’s how it plays out….

I’ll give you [extract requested item and use as a ‘verb’]

(Oh the Power, I’m trembling just writing this, I really wish it was my ‘first time’ again, you never forget your first time)

Still not got it? Here it is in all its glory

Son: “Dad? Will you buy me a Playstation?”
You: “I’ll give you a ‘PlayStation’!!”

It’s all about the tone. If the above phrase was read aloud by a person learning English as a second language then they could be forgiven for believing that the child in question was going to get his desired games console. Parents and in fact most kids will recognise the above interaction as what it is, a ‘Parental Power Phrase’, no scratch that, ‘THE Parental Power Phrase!!’

Also see;

Son: “Can I stay over in Tommys tonight?”
Dad: “I’ll give ya ‘stay over in Tommy’s tonight’” * shakes fist in the air.

It’s a thing a beauty Isn’t it?

At this point I must warn you that it’s all too easy to ‘step over to the dark side’ when using the above phrase. Adding an additional expletive into the mix could upset the space time continuum or cause the building you are in to instantly implode. It’s been gotten away with in the past but let’s not tempt faith, eh? Don’t know what I’m talking about?

Yup, you’re only one step away from destroying the world

Ok here goes:

Son: “Can I stay over at Tommy’s tonight?”
Dad: “I’ll give you F**KIN ‘staying over at Tommy’s tonight’

God I can’t believe I actually wrote that down. Is everyone still ok? No one spontaneously combusted or anything? Did they? (I suppose if they did they probably would t be able to reply). Oh well, I’ll have to assume they haven’t and just move swiftly on.

So, what about the words that have been removed from your vocabulary?

Well, don’t say I never give you anything…..

Daddy Poppins guide to ‘Words you shouldn’t use now your a parent’

Lit:

From now in this word is only used when describing the lighting of a fire in the past tense. Got it?

On Fleek:

Actually, even if you aren’t a parent you shouldn’t use this phrase.

Bae:

see ‘on Fleek’

Hit me up on …:

Come on you’re a parent, you’re not 16!!

I’m going to make the easy for you as these words will keep changing and growing, here’s the rule of thumb

“As a parent you aren’t allowed use any word that didn’t exist within 2 years of you becoming a parent”

So no; Famor Bra or Brap. All ‘Grime phrases’ are out. You hear me?

Unless of course ‘this conversation’ takes place.

Son: “Can I stay over with my Bae tonight?”

In which case you know the response:

I’ll give you ‘can I stay over with my BAE tonight!’

#ParentalPowerPhrase