So you’ve decided to become a parent? What do you need to know?

Well, regular readers will know I usually cut to the chase. I’m not a ‘word mincer’, I’m not going to pretend it will be a string of Hallmark moment after Hallmark moment (as some people would have you believe). It’s going to be ‘fun’, (the kind of fun you have when you get your crazy mate hammered drunk just to see what happens). It’s going to be the steepest learning curve of all time. If you want it in graph form then it’s basically a vertical line. You’ve gotta hit the ground running. So with that in mind here’s my A-Z of parenting (some of which you may laugh at and say “that won’t happen to me”, don’t worry, we all said that, we were all wrong too).

Daddy Poppin’s A-Z of Parenting:

A – Anna and Elsa:

It’s been 5 years now… can we just ‘let it go’?

B – Baby Shackled:

You will forever have a child hanging out of your legs at the most inopportune moment. Just touched raw chicken? Boom!! 💥 Kids will magically appear on your legs. You’ve managed to cover your hands in superglue. Boom!!💥 Kids hanging off you like gym accessories. Every day is leg day. They won’t be quiet either, more on that later.

C – Calpol: (That’s Tylenol infant, for my US friends).

Could ‘C’ be anything else? If you are a new parent then Calpol is your friend. *Dose them up!!

*Daddy Poppins takes no responsibility for ‘dosed up kids’

D – Daddy Finger:

It’s bloody incessant, once it’s been played once on YouTube you’re done for, it’s like the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland. Don’t break the seal. It’s a song by the way, if you don’t know it then don’t google it ‘just to see what it is’.

“they don’t call it the heroin of kids songs’ for nothing!”

*they don’t call it this at all.

E – Education:

No, not that they’ll need to go to school, more, this parenting thing is ‘a bloody education’. Be prepared to call your own parents and apologise for everything you put them through.

F – Forgetful:

So you used to be smart? You could ‘multitask’ with ease. That phase of your life is gone. Finished. OVER. You’ll now find yourself standing at the top of the stairs wondering why you went there (only remembering when you get back down). Please note: this doesn’t mean you will still remember when you go back up.

G – Germs:

Your kids are just little germ bags, there, I said it. Not only that but they’re going to go out and mix with other little germ bags. Then you’ll all get sick. Enjoy.

H – Hair clips:

If you have a girl they’ll be everywhere (except in their hair, or nearby when you need them, of course)

I – Innocent:

“I didn’t do it Daddy”

J – Jesus Christ!!:

No matter how much you are told to ‘expect the unexpected’ everyday is a school day when you have kids. Just not a ‘Sunday School’ day because their antics will make you take the lords name in vein, more often than you care to admit.

“Holy Mary Mother of Divine Jesus”

*Daddy Poppins is not religious, these phrases have been passed on genetically by several generations of ‘cursing christians’

K – Ketchup:

“Would you like some dinner with your ketchup?”

Did you know that food can be used strictly as an implement to scoop ketchup into your mouth? I didn’t, till I had kids.

“Stop using that carrot as a spoon!!”

The new food pyramid (with ketchup)

My Kids version of the food pyramid

L – Loud: (I’d also accept ‘Laundry’ here but that’s a lesson for another day)

The only volume kids come in (is LOUD)

“CAN I HAVE A SNACK”

“Please stop shouting!! Your sister is asleep”

“I. AM. NOT. SHOUTING!!!!”

M – Mammy, Mammy, Mum, Mum: (Also see ‘Why?’).

It’s great when kids say Mammy (or Daddy) for the first time. When it’s said 3,437 times by breakfast it kinda loses its charm though. This 👆 paired with ‘Baby Shackles’ is a classic ‘kid manoveur’.

N – Nappies, lots of nappies: (That’s Diapers for my US friends).

You’ll spend a fortune on Nappies. Don’t buy the cheap ones though, you’ll live to regret it. Much like hair clips though, you’ll never have one when you need it.

“Up shit creek without a nappy”

O – Odd Socks:

Think you had issues with the ‘sock fairy’ before? Just wait till you’re a parent!! That fairy just loves kids socks. And while we’re on the subject of socks, when they aren’t odd, that is, you’ll spend at least 2 hours a day putting on the same pair of socks on your toddler, over and over and over.

P – Puke, there will be puke. (Also see germs).

You know what though? You’ll just kinda, mmmm, get used to it. You may think I sound like a weirdo. I’ll give you 2 months before you’re nodding in agreement. Oh, and everything you own will have a little ‘puke stain’ on the shoulders. Taa Daa!! The ‘magic’ of parenthood.

Q – Quiet!!

If you wake up your sister then we’ll have to deal with the consequences. Please note: this is ‘ the royal we’, you’re try to get ‘buy in’ with this phrase, ‘we‘ will be ‘just you‘ once they’ve been woken 5 minutes into a supposed 2 hour nap.

R – Repetitive: (it just pipped ‘resentment’ to the post)

“Oh, you actually like Moana?!! Let’s test that theory by watching it 6 times a day”. Are you a Bill Murray fan? Good, you’ve just been cast in Groundhog Day.

Not helpful Bill

S – Sleep (lack of):

Uninterrupted sleeping is a thing of the past. Get over it. Move on, you are now permanently exhausted and the only conversation you now have with your partner is a string of “I’m more tired that you” (Well, that and discussing the consistency of your childs poo, “You know the Thai green curry from the Dragon inn?”, “YEAH? Like that but with sweetcorn”)

T – Taxi:

That’s your lot from here on in. You’re a glorified chauffeur. You’re an Uber driver for tiny messy puking dwarves that you can’t kick out of the cab. Did I mention they don’t pay a fare, yeah, there’s that too. (I’m really selling I think amn’t I?).

U – Unsolicited Parenting advice:

Stand back, smile and nod. It’s either that or punch random people and distant family members. Your call.

V – Vomit: (Also see Puke)

It’s still everywhere by the way. Just thought I’d ‘bring it up’* again.

*of course the pun was intended, who do you think you’re dealing with here?

W – Why? Why? Why?:

Be prepared for the endless ‘Whys’ no matter how much you anticipate it, it will be twofold (Ok, maybe 3 or 4 fold). Oh! And be prepared to not know a lot of stuff you though you knew. Google is you friend. (I will also accept ‘Wet Wipes’ for W)

X – Xylophone:

Your child will know what one is for no particular reason, other that it starts with X and features in 99% of kids alphabet books (it’s the same reason it’s in this list to be honest). Their vocabulary will go; Mamma, Dadda, Yes, No, Xylophone. (Followed closely by the first curse you utter in their presence, of course)

Y – Your Turn:

“I changed the last nappy/did the last nighttime bottle”. It’s definitely your turn. Side note: You will forget who’s turn it is (due to you being a ‘permanently exhausted pigeon’) and should always just bluff this phrase in the hope the job will go away. Additional side note: be prepared for the ‘double bluff move’ from your partner, who also won’t have a clue.

Z – Zombie:

You will go from caring about your personal appearance to looking like an extra from the Walking Dead. If you decide to ‘take care of yourself’ You will be extra extra late. (Nb. It’s assumed you’ll be a little late, you have kids after all).

“Do you want me to be here? Or be presentable?”

And remember, whatever you do, enjoy it, ‘these are the best years of your adult life’.

Enjoy Parenthood,

Daddy Poppins.